Sydney
Bolding
(Week Four)
Improvisation #2 of The Elegy
of Louise
Bogan's "Tears in Sleep"
In the
middle of the night you came to me
like a child
comes out of a nightmare, aware
of strange
whispers rustling the leaves, a stern
eye from a
cornered moon. One side of you
carries an
old photo of us riding rusted bikes
at the
beach, with an ocean indifferent to young
love. It's
seen others like us, swallowed
their etched
names in the sand. On the other, your
mouth
recites, over and over, the sorrows
of a
promise. In the middle of the night
you came to
me, your voice frayed like a wire.
This improv is really strong to me.
The only suggestion is that you elaborate on some of the images that you’re
giving the reader. I want to know where you are when this man comes to you in
the middle of the night. If you were to give me a more concrete image of the
room you’re in while this is happening I feel as though you could pull me
farther into the narrative right away.
I like how you tell us that he’s
carrying an old photo in one hand; without actually saying it. The line “one
side of you” is great. The fact that you show us, instead of telling is
wonderful.
The line “an ocean indifferent to
young love”, although not a terrible line, isn’t as strong as the rest of the
lines, only because the other images are so “new” to readers. Show us that the
ocean is indifferent to your love, instead of telling us. I think that’s why it
isn’t as strong to me. Everywhere else in the poem you show us what’s
happening, and I love that.
I like how the poem comes full
circle. By repeating the line, “in the middle of the night you came to me”, it’s
bringing me back to that original image; reminding me of everything else that
happens within the poem. But, I feel as though this could be a bit longer. That
maybe there are other details you could give us. I want more of the
relationship, I want to know how you got to this point. Maybe not the whole
story, but give me a peak into the disintegration of this “young love”.
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